I've just had an argument with the boyfriend, and like usual it wasn't anything important. There is now a fist-sized hole in the wall and I am utterly ashamed of myself. I'd gone all day practicing reiki and being very kind to everyone I met. I'd had a very nice day. When I picked up David he was in a horrible mood due to stress from his job. I was sweet to him and tried to make him feel better, and after a while it seemed to work. But when we got home he asked me to listen to some music that he had made.
David insists on blasting the music, so I yanked the headphones away from my ears - way too loud! This made him angry for some reason and insisted that now I had ruined the song. "Calm down. I'll just start it over. It's fine," I said. But he said that it was definitely ruined and there was no point in me listening to it now. I absolutely lost it. I don't know why (and I hate that I did) but I cursed and asked why he had to make such a simple thing so difficult. This, of course, made him angrier and he flew out of the house saying that he "wasn't going to take this." At which point the wall got to feel my fist go through it.
I don't know why I lost my temper with him. I know now that he was just still worked up from his day at work. But he has such a negative attitude about EVERYTHING. It is very difficult to keep my Buddhist beliefs about me when he is describing how he's like to punch people. I try SO hard to just be myself and hopefully be a light for him to follow, but he continually says things like, "I don't understand how anyone could be Buddhist. I could never have compassion or understanding for people. I HATE the human population."
This blog is turning into a rant and I didn't want it to. I guess I'll take a shower and read some. That should help calm me down. I'll probably apologize to David, though I don't know if he'll do the same. I hope so. I have to figure out how to mend the hole in the wall, too. It's unusually large. This isn't the first hole I've added to our walls, but it's definitely the largest. I didn't hit it that hard, but there was nothing behind the drywall and it absolutely crumbled. *sigh*
Image credit: http://nuformz.deviantart.com/art/Argument-5660725
Oh, Haylee, you're not alone. I've struggled with my temper. As I kid, I used to stomp down the hallway and slam my bedroom door. Finally, I guess my parents had had enough and my dad (as punishment) removed my door off its hinges for a period of time (a week, probably). I *hated* the lack of privacy. I could no longer retreat to my room and pout in solitude. Unfortunately, in that moment I didn't learn an alternative way of handling difficult emotions like anger.
ReplyDeleteSo when dh and I moved in together 14 years ago (I was 20), I still had fits of rage... I wouldn't slam doors, but I would leave and go for a drive to calm down, but wouldn't resolve anything (or even apologize) when i returned. He helped me see that the way I was dealing with my anger wasn't working for me. I'm so grateful for that.
Now we have a 9 yr old who (as my parents had hoped/threatened) is JUST LIKE ME when I was a kid... (LOL "I hope you have a kid who's just like you when you grow up") And it brings up all those issues... like my own anger. ds has put his foot through the drywall twice and yep, has fits of rage JUST like mine as a kid, all too often. It's really hard to watch. But now I can stay calm. And once he's through the anger, we talk openly about it, talk calmly about it.
We read Thich Nhat Hanh's book Anger together. Breathing mindfully, walking through the anger. Knowing that we are not our anger (separating our selves from our emotions)... helps us stay Connected when those emotions come on strong.
Breathing in, I calm myself.
Breathing out, I smile.
Namaste.
~n~